Ozzy Osmond

Instrument: Bass
Hat size: 7 1/2
Inseam: 32"
Favorite Ice Cream: Pink Bubblegum
Hobbies: Crocheting toilet paper covers, Pigeon racing
Favorite pharmaceutical side-effect: Anal seepage
Quote: "I woke up on the bus today and my fly was down."

Ozzy Osmond is the product of the incestuous union of 70's sweethearts Donnie and Marie. One look at him and you realize that "Country" is a recessive trait. Given up for adoption at birth, Ozzy was raised by hillbilly Black Sabbath fans in the Ozark Mountains of Arkansas.

As an adolescent, Ozzy rebelled against his rock 'n' roll parents by joining a barbershop quartet called The Weeping Willows. With Ozzy singing bass, T.W.W. released 17 albums between 1989 and 1990. The group disbanded in the fall of 1990 due to intense alcoholism and drug abuse within management.

After the fall of T.W.W., Ozzy became an intense introvert, and began a groundbreaking 10 year scientific study of his own mind via self-hypnosis. What he discovered dramatically changed the direction of his life. Hidden deep inside the cortex of his brain, Ozzy found an enormous catalogue of rock 'n' roll memorabilia, weight lifting magazines, and a peculiar flying pig named Petunia. Ozzy took these finds as signs of destiny, and quickly announced his intention to compete in the 2012 World's Strongest Man competition under the name "Zebulon Ver Zebulonsson." Moments later he joined up with Mike Hawk and Jamie Monistat VII to form Blanche Davidian. As for now, as the bassist for Blanche Davidian, Ozzy Osmond is right where he belongs.